What's the "Why"?

When your "why" becomes big enough nothing will stop you! Do you have a why yet? Think long and hard about why you even want to lose weight.....once your why is established let that be all you think about instead of food. You can do this....I know you can!

(from a message board for Weight Watchers on cafemom.com)

I read this a few days ago and it has not stopped resonating with me since then. Finding one's 'why' is the key to the whole thing. I've been trying to lose weight for my whole life- I'm 37 now and have been dieting on and off since I was 10. I was raised with some really crappy ideas about 'fat' and people who were 'fat' and I just got loaded up with a lot of other people's crap.

It's taken me a million tries and 27 years and a lot of therapy and some deep conversations with my husband to sort of realize that the 'why' is important. So, now I find myself deep in 'why' territory.

Like I said, I've struggled with this for my whole life and have a whole host of self-esteem issues related to the crappy attitudes about bodies that my family loaded into me while I was growing up. These attitudes are hard to 'un-learn'. I just knew that my 'fat body' made me less than perfect - therefore un-lovable and I hated it and felt powerless to change it- food comforted me.

I lost about 30-35 lbs last year in the spring and summer and then sort of lost track over the winter and gained back about 10lbs. But what I've learned from that is that I like how my body feels when it's a little thinner. These enormous 'girls' of mine behave better and it makes my whole body feel better when they're smaller. I like how my stomach feels when it's a little less puffy.

SO, what I've decided to do is to give myself over to WW for 3 months and see how I feel as I go along. I have so much weight to lose that I'm overwhelmed by it (I'm 200lbs now) and I've tried so many times that I'm nervous that I might fail again. It's a little scary.

I've given myself the 'deadline' of 10/30/09 to 're-evaluate' how I'm doing. I think if I break this down into smaller phases, I might do better.

Along the way, I hope to REALLY find my 'why'. What I have learned so far is that other people DO actually eat 'like this' and that it's not a curse or a life sentence for me to have to eat like this too. It's simply a choice. I'm choosing to be healthy and to pay attention to the good person who is inside of me and stop hating the idea that I'm 'fat' and therefore just not good enough to treat myself well by exercising and eating healthfully.

So, today, I choose me. I choose to eat well and stick to the plan and know that what I'm doing is good enough!

Settling into summer routines

We're finally kind of relaxing into the summer routines- on July 14th- yikes! I've planted some flowers- finally! That is sort of how I give myself permission to believe it's summer!

The house is pretty clean, the carpets have been shampooed, we've been to Dorney Park and the movies and swim class. I've read a little bit, stayed up late and knitted a little bit.

I've cooked quite a bit- I've been going to the farmers' market almost every weekend and we've gotten produce from our CSA.

I'm feeling relaxed, and not RUSHED to do every little thing. In fact, we're still in our pjs at 12:15 pm.

Homemade bread is rising, good healthy meals are in the works, the weather is perfect.

Life is good and THAT is enough.

Peace out, y'all

The picture's from last month- but it's all things that are good- great food- nice wine- lovely deck and INCREDIBLE daughter!!

And on and on about losing weight...

So, as a woman who's been overweight since puberty, I'm still struggling to understand what all of this is about. I think that I've come to understand that I simply can't eat 'regular'. I have to vigilant and conscious of every bite- all the time- otherwise, I just gain weight. Mostly, I think, this just sucks- to have to be so AWARE of what I'm eating. I made pot roast last night- a Weight Watchers recipe- and I used cooking spray and trimmed the meat and then weighed and measured what I was going to eat. There's no just sitting down and eating- after making dinner after working all day- it's work to do this too. I resent it. I resent that I have to do this- and I resent that I was never taught how to eat 'properly' as a kid. Eating habits are so important to establish early because they stay with you for your whole life- and changing them - as a woman in her mid 30s- is just a huge pain in the ass.

I'm trying to change my mind about this as I become more and more aware of my own mind. I don't to resent this- I want to look at it as an opportunity to be as good as I have the right to be. I'm getting my self pulled together- slowly and SURELY. I am more aware of how my life as an adult is and should be- I am making my marriage better and better and I'm working hard to do as well as I can as a mom. Financially, things are breaking loose and starting to work. Everything is making more sense and life feels better (thanks to lots of soul searching and a good therapist!). And now that things are making more sense in every other area of my life- it seems like this weight thing has got to be addressed too.

So, to that end, I am trying to be conscious and to plan and to journal all my points and to make smart and healthy choices. I want to be healthy- I want to teach this to my daughter and I want to change my mind about how food affects me. It' s hard- but it's what's just got to be done. I've spent far too much of my life locked in a battle with food and fat. ENOUGH!

I had a major shift....

I'll come back to this and fix it up- but I wanted to get it down before the glow wears off....I was listening to Pema Chodron today on the way home from work. She's a Buddhist nun and she was giving a talk on 'getting unstuck' which I have on CD. She's AWESOME, by the way.

Anyway, she was taking some questions from the audience and one woman got around to asking how she can be compassionate and still create boundaries with her parent who had had a history of abuse. What Pema said in response spoke directly to my heart- it was I've been looking for - and what I needed to hear. It brought me much comfort and I think I'll be comforted like this for a long while.

What she said is that by creating boundaries, this woman had provided her mother (the abuser) with the chance to no longer be an abuser- so essentially she had freed her mother from this destructive behavior because she took away the object of her mother's abuse- so by stopping the cycle of abuse- she has helped her mother.

This floored me. I think I've found my way to be good again.

More later-
With much love and lovingkindness-

It's been another long time....

I seem to ebb and flow with this blog. I like the idea of writing / journaling/ and figuring it all out. I like that the blog provides a place to do this. I like that the blog might help others catch a glimpse of themselves.....but it's a little scary to put it all out there for the WHOLE internet. SO, I shy away from it sometimes.

But, after taking a nice long break from the blog, and going back to it (I was thinking of deleting it) and reading what's there, I think I'm going to keep it. I like the insights that I've uncovered there. I like that I'm candid and frank- that leads me to believe that I might have the quality of FEARLESSNESS. I like to think of myself that way.

It IS about excavating the girl.....and I think that she's a skinny girl.....but the work that I'm doing is actually much more than just losing weight.....it's about uncovering who I am and I think that I'm actually going to uncover ME by just getting to the heart of it- what it means and where it all came from and how I'm going to move me and my family forward in the best possible way I can.

Happy excavating to me and to everyone else who's on the path.

Peace out y'all

The holidays....

So the actual day of Christmas is over, as are all the parties leading up to it. That's a relief....a big relief. I was up 1 lb at WW last Saturday- and, although I meant to be 'better' this week, I didn't track a single point all week and I don't feel at all guilty about it. I ate about 1 million snickerdoodles over the past 3 days. We had our traditional Christmas breakfast- Eggs Benedict and hashbrowns with mimosas. Delightful.....a meal worth waiting the whole year for. I also got my period yesterday- so I'm just all kinds of bloated and icky. My WW meeting is tomorrow- but I'm not sure I'm going...Not because I'm 'afraid' to weigh in, but because I'm just so tired and feeling like I'd just rather hang out here- under my covers drinking warm things. I think if I went I'd be about the same as last week.

I sort of feel like I'm just not wanting to lose weight badly enough. I'm motivated to be healthier- and I'd love to be thinnner- but I'm just not sure that I WANT thin bad enough....I'm in a slump- and feel like I've been here for a long time. I like WW and I think the meetings are helpful- but I just don't feel like I'm any kind of poster child for how to do this well. This weather- being cold all the time- and the holidays are dragging on me. I did far better this year than I've ever done- I only made 1 batch of cookies. But being as pmsy as I've been for the past week- I've done nearly no cooking for dinners (or lunch and breakfast for that matter) and I know that's had an impact. I've actually had a resurgence of heartburn - which has been entirely gone since I started losing weight.

With the holidays I sort of feel like I just need to put my head down and plow through it all- once the first of the year rolls in - then it' s time to get serious and start paying attention again. It sort of just seems ot fit with how everyone rolls at this time of the year. I hate always calling attention to what I'm eating- thinking about it, planning, converting it to points, making sure I have what I need.....eating isn't just something I can just do anymore. That's just a huge pain in the ass. That's what I'm tired of......it's tremendous mental space that is taken up by the attempt to shed weight. In my attempts to make this time of the year ok without my parents / family- I just don't seem to have the mental space to work on all of it at the same time. What is of paramount importance to me right now is making the magic happen for my daughter and making sure that my husband is as happy as I possibly can. Everything else just needs to wait until I feel more in control...the holidays are an out-of-control time on all fronts. Bizarre.....and exactly what I'm trying to avoid. I just like to be serene.

On the opposite side of this coin, I bought new sneakers, a DVD player for the bedroom and 2 workout videos. I feel like I just need to move. I've even sort of been thinking of maybe starting to run again - as I get fitter and the weather gets better. Maybe a 5K in October???? I'd like to do it in about 35-40 minutes.......

Peace to all-

I've been eating my way through everything this week....ouch!

Well, my desire to be a skinny girl has really waned this week- lol. It all started on Monday- my husband's birthday. We had french onion soup- per his request, and a chocolate cake with ganache icing - per his request. He only has 1 birthday a year and he's so wonderful, I complied- and ATE. I was so full after dinner my pants hurt. Oy

Then I had more cake when I got home on Tuesday............and Wednesday. I should have thrown it out on Monday night- but, silly me, I thought he might want some more (like he'd ever have a chance at it while I was around- not much gets between me and a baked good).

I bought a small container of eggnog when I shopped on Sunday. I knew I was going to do it. I LOVE eggnog and it's only here once a year. It was a splurge that I was ok with. It's already gone. (I really have no self control.)

Today was the party in the office at school. More damage was inflicted. I can NOT resist a chocolatey baked good......I'm so weak.

So, all my WW points are BLOWN OUT OF THE WATER. It's been bad. But, I'm going to have some wine tonight...As long as I've blown it, what the hell? Right?

I am, however, going to go to my meeting on Saturday and take it like a grown-up. I know I'll be 'up'. I know that it's my responsibility- not my 'fault' (that language of blame is counterproductive). I will strive to do better....but after Christmas. I'm taking next week 'off' as well. Meaning, that I probably won't track on most days, but I will make better choices throughout most days, splurging here and there.

When I decided to release some weight this time, I promised myself I was going to figure out a way to be healthier and make better choices most of the time....to make myself a priority. I want to set a good example for my daughter about making healthy choices- in food and life too! So, I'm getting through Christmas and enjoying some treats. I haven't made the best choices this week- I know I've been eating for some emotional reasons. THAT I want to change. It's ok to enjoy some treats, but it's not ok to eat to stuff my emotions down out of my consciousness.

I've got some stuff to write about here in the coming days- things that have been bugging to see the light of day. I've got some things to say about fathers and daughters and also about the nature of friendship- good and bad.

The holidays are an emotional time.....but it's a time for me to face this stuff, to exorcise my demons and put them to rest somewhere else beside my own psyche.

Yours in the desire for a meaningful and loving life....