Excavating the Skinny Girl

What's the "Why"?

2009-07-21T09:39:00.002-04:00

When your "why" becomes big enough nothing will stop you! Do you have a why yet? Think long and hard about why you even want to lose weight.....once your why is established let that be all you think about instead of food. You can do this....I know you can!

(from a message board for Weight Watchers on cafemom.com)

I read this a few days ago and it has not stopped resonating with me since then. Finding one's 'why' is the key to the whole thing. I've been trying to lose weight for my whole life- I'm 37 now and have been dieting on and off since I was 10. I was raised with some really crappy ideas about 'fat' and people who were 'fat' and I just got loaded up with a lot of other people's crap.

It's taken me a million tries and 27 years and a lot of therapy and some deep conversations with my husband to sort of realize that the 'why' is important. So, now I find myself deep in 'why' territory.

Like I said, I've struggled with this for my whole life and have a whole host of self-esteem issues related to the crappy attitudes about bodies that my family loaded into me while I was growing up. These attitudes are hard to 'un-learn'. I just knew that my 'fat body' made me less than perfect - therefore un-lovable and I hated it and felt powerless to change it- food comforted me.

I lost about 30-35 lbs last year in the spring and summer and then sort of lost track over the winter and gained back about 10lbs. But what I've learned from that is that I like how my body feels when it's a little thinner. These enormous 'girls' of mine behave better and it makes my whole body feel better when they're smaller. I like how my stomach feels when it's a little less puffy.

SO, what I've decided to do is to give myself over to WW for 3 months and see how I feel as I go along. I have so much weight to lose that I'm overwhelmed by it (I'm 200lbs now) and I've tried so many times that I'm nervous that I might fail again. It's a little scary.

I've given myself the 'deadline' of 10/30/09 to 're-evaluate' how I'm doing. I think if I break this down into smaller phases, I might do better.

Along the way, I hope to REALLY find my 'why'. What I have learned so far is that other people DO actually eat 'like this' and that it's not a curse or a life sentence for me to have to eat like this too. It's simply a choice. I'm choosing to be healthy and to pay attention to the good person who is inside of me and stop hating the idea that I'm 'fat' and therefore just not good enough to treat myself well by exercising and eating healthfully.

So, today, I choose me. I choose to eat well and stick to the plan and know that what I'm doing is good enough!

Settling into summer routines

2009-07-14T12:09:00.003-04:00

We're finally kind of relaxing into the summer routines- on July 14th- yikes! I've planted some flowers- finally! That is sort of how I give myself permission to believe it's summer!

The house is pretty clean, the carpets have been shampooed, we've been to Dorney Park and the movies and swim class. I've read a little bit, stayed up late and knitted a little bit.

I've cooked quite a bit- I've been going to the farmers' market almost every weekend and we've gotten produce from our CSA.

I'm feeling relaxed, and not RUSHED to do every little thing. In fact, we're still in our pjs at 12:15 pm.

Homemade bread is rising, good healthy meals are in the works, the weather is perfect.

Life is good and THAT is enough.

Peace out, y'all

The picture's from last month- but it's all things that are good- great food- nice wine- lovely deck and INCREDIBLE daughter!!

And on and on about losing weight...

2009-05-08T09:17:00.003-04:00

So, as a woman who's been overweight since puberty, I'm still struggling to understand what all of this is about. I think that I've come to understand that I simply can't eat 'regular'. I have to vigilant and conscious of every bite- all the time- otherwise, I just gain weight. Mostly, I think, this just sucks- to have to be so AWARE of what I'm eating. I made pot roast last night- a Weight Watchers recipe- and I used cooking spray and trimmed the meat and then weighed and measured what I was going to eat. There's no just sitting down and eating- after making dinner after working all day- it's work to do this too. I resent it. I resent that I have to do this- and I resent that I was never taught how to eat 'properly' as a kid. Eating habits are so important to establish early because they stay with you for your whole life- and changing them - as a woman in her mid 30s- is just a huge pain in the ass.

I'm trying to change my mind about this as I become more and more aware of my own mind. I don't to resent this- I want to look at it as an opportunity to be as good as I have the right to be. I'm getting my self pulled together- slowly and SURELY. I am more aware of how my life as an adult is and should be- I am making my marriage better and better and I'm working hard to do as well as I can as a mom. Financially, things are breaking loose and starting to work. Everything is making more sense and life feels better (thanks to lots of soul searching and a good therapist!). And now that things are making more sense in every other area of my life- it seems like this weight thing has got to be addressed too.

So, to that end, I am trying to be conscious and to plan and to journal all my points and to make smart and healthy choices. I want to be healthy- I want to teach this to my daughter and I want to change my mind about how food affects me. It' s hard- but it's what's just got to be done. I've spent far too much of my life locked in a battle with food and fat. ENOUGH!

I had a major shift....

2009-04-22T21:43:00.002-04:00

I'll come back to this and fix it up- but I wanted to get it down before the glow wears off....I was listening to Pema Chodron today on the way home from work. She's a Buddhist nun and she was giving a talk on 'getting unstuck' which I have on CD. She's AWESOME, by the way.

Anyway, she was taking some questions from the audience and one woman got around to asking how she can be compassionate and still create boundaries with her parent who had had a history of abuse. What Pema said in response spoke directly to my heart- it was I've been looking for - and what I needed to hear. It brought me much comfort and I think I'll be comforted like this for a long while.

What she said is that by creating boundaries, this woman had provided her mother (the abuser) with the chance to no longer be an abuser- so essentially she had freed her mother from this destructive behavior because she took away the object of her mother's abuse- so by stopping the cycle of abuse- she has helped her mother.

This floored me. I think I've found my way to be good again.

More later-
With much love and lovingkindness-

It's been another long time....

2009-04-19T09:01:00.002-04:00

I seem to ebb and flow with this blog. I like the idea of writing / journaling/ and figuring it all out. I like that the blog provides a place to do this. I like that the blog might help others catch a glimpse of themselves.....but it's a little scary to put it all out there for the WHOLE internet. SO, I shy away from it sometimes.

But, after taking a nice long break from the blog, and going back to it (I was thinking of deleting it) and reading what's there, I think I'm going to keep it. I like the insights that I've uncovered there. I like that I'm candid and frank- that leads me to believe that I might have the quality of FEARLESSNESS. I like to think of myself that way.

It IS about excavating the girl.....and I think that she's a skinny girl.....but the work that I'm doing is actually much more than just losing weight.....it's about uncovering who I am and I think that I'm actually going to uncover ME by just getting to the heart of it- what it means and where it all came from and how I'm going to move me and my family forward in the best possible way I can.

Happy excavating to me and to everyone else who's on the path.

Peace out y'all

The holidays....

2008-12-26T20:36:00.004-05:00

So the actual day of Christmas is over, as are all the parties leading up to it. That's a relief....a big relief. I was up 1 lb at WW last Saturday- and, although I meant to be 'better' this week, I didn't track a single point all week and I don't feel at all guilty about it. I ate about 1 million snickerdoodles over the past 3 days. We had our traditional Christmas breakfast- Eggs Benedict and hashbrowns with mimosas. Delightful.....a meal worth waiting the whole year for. I also got my period yesterday- so I'm just all kinds of bloated and icky. My WW meeting is tomorrow- but I'm not sure I'm going...Not because I'm 'afraid' to weigh in, but because I'm just so tired and feeling like I'd just rather hang out here- under my covers drinking warm things. I think if I went I'd be about the same as last week.

I sort of feel like I'm just not wanting to lose weight badly enough. I'm motivated to be healthier- and I'd love to be thinnner- but I'm just not sure that I WANT thin bad enough....I'm in a slump- and feel like I've been here for a long time. I like WW and I think the meetings are helpful- but I just don't feel like I'm any kind of poster child for how to do this well. This weather- being cold all the time- and the holidays are dragging on me. I did far better this year than I've ever done- I only made 1 batch of cookies. But being as pmsy as I've been for the past week- I've done nearly no cooking for dinners (or lunch and breakfast for that matter) and I know that's had an impact. I've actually had a resurgence of heartburn - which has been entirely gone since I started losing weight.

With the holidays I sort of feel like I just need to put my head down and plow through it all- once the first of the year rolls in - then it' s time to get serious and start paying attention again. It sort of just seems ot fit with how everyone rolls at this time of the year. I hate always calling attention to what I'm eating- thinking about it, planning, converting it to points, making sure I have what I need.....eating isn't just something I can just do anymore. That's just a huge pain in the ass. That's what I'm tired of......it's tremendous mental space that is taken up by the attempt to shed weight. In my attempts to make this time of the year ok without my parents / family- I just don't seem to have the mental space to work on all of it at the same time. What is of paramount importance to me right now is making the magic happen for my daughter and making sure that my husband is as happy as I possibly can. Everything else just needs to wait until I feel more in control...the holidays are an out-of-control time on all fronts. Bizarre.....and exactly what I'm trying to avoid. I just like to be serene.

On the opposite side of this coin, I bought new sneakers, a DVD player for the bedroom and 2 workout videos. I feel like I just need to move. I've even sort of been thinking of maybe starting to run again - as I get fitter and the weather gets better. Maybe a 5K in October???? I'd like to do it in about 35-40 minutes.......

Peace to all-

I've been eating my way through everything this week....ouch!

2008-12-18T17:39:00.002-05:00

Well, my desire to be a skinny girl has really waned this week- lol. It all started on Monday- my husband's birthday. We had french onion soup- per his request, and a chocolate cake with ganache icing - per his request. He only has 1 birthday a year and he's so wonderful, I complied- and ATE. I was so full after dinner my pants hurt. Oy

Then I had more cake when I got home on Tuesday............and Wednesday. I should have thrown it out on Monday night- but, silly me, I thought he might want some more (like he'd ever have a chance at it while I was around- not much gets between me and a baked good).

I bought a small container of eggnog when I shopped on Sunday. I knew I was going to do it. I LOVE eggnog and it's only here once a year. It was a splurge that I was ok with. It's already gone. (I really have no self control.)

Today was the party in the office at school. More damage was inflicted. I can NOT resist a chocolatey baked good......I'm so weak.

So, all my WW points are BLOWN OUT OF THE WATER. It's been bad. But, I'm going to have some wine tonight...As long as I've blown it, what the hell? Right?

I am, however, going to go to my meeting on Saturday and take it like a grown-up. I know I'll be 'up'. I know that it's my responsibility- not my 'fault' (that language of blame is counterproductive). I will strive to do better....but after Christmas. I'm taking next week 'off' as well. Meaning, that I probably won't track on most days, but I will make better choices throughout most days, splurging here and there.

When I decided to release some weight this time, I promised myself I was going to figure out a way to be healthier and make better choices most of the time....to make myself a priority. I want to set a good example for my daughter about making healthy choices- in food and life too! So, I'm getting through Christmas and enjoying some treats. I haven't made the best choices this week- I know I've been eating for some emotional reasons. THAT I want to change. It's ok to enjoy some treats, but it's not ok to eat to stuff my emotions down out of my consciousness.

I've got some stuff to write about here in the coming days- things that have been bugging to see the light of day. I've got some things to say about fathers and daughters and also about the nature of friendship- good and bad.

The holidays are an emotional time.....but it's a time for me to face this stuff, to exorcise my demons and put them to rest somewhere else beside my own psyche.

Yours in the desire for a meaningful and loving life....

Here's what bubbled up from below earlier today in a journal entry....it's all related

2008-12-07T21:03:00.001-05:00

This stuff with my parents runs deep....essentially what it boils down to is that their own dysfunction has always come first over raising their children. They are manipulative and nasty with each other and drag us all into it all the time....my mother is a shoplifter and a theif and I recently found out that she deceived about $4000 from my in-laws when we got married. They had offered to pay for part of the wedding......my husband and I paid for the wedding ourselves....his parents had no idea that they couldn't trust my mom- I had no idea that they shelled out any money for it.

I've been a 'good daughter' for my whole life- so good that my mom even lived here with us for about 18 months last year. because my parents are too dysfunctional to live together- yet they can't seem to be apart either...while she was here -she had 2 sugeries where I took time off from work, coordinated the logistics, ferried her back and forth to the doctors, and absorbed her bills when she couldn't pay them.......cooked her meals, cleaned up after her did her laundry, hell, I even wiped her ass......and when I mentioned to her that we needed to sit down and iron out some issues with the boundaries we had for our daughter, she packed up and left while we were at work. PERIOD. No note, no nothing. No good bye for my 4 year who ADORED her.......Not okay with me when you shit on my kid like that. She can't stand any kind of 'conflict' so she runs away....all the time. I'm not ok with that either. I need to teach my daughter how to resolve conficlt and how to do it in a healthy way. I need to show my daughter how to stand up for herself by standing up for myself. If I want her to be strong and and healthy with a self-esteem that she never needs to wrestle with, I've got to be strong for her NOW. So, my mom closed the door, I'm not opening it up again. I always end up hurt- and I won't expose my daughter to that crushing disappointment for her whole life. My parents never fail to disappoint.

Now that I have a daughter and my husband and I have sort of 'come to Jesus' about this- I have finally realized that I don't need to be a part of their dysfunction. It's ok if they want to live like that, but I don't have to. Nevertheless, it is an agonizing process....to separate from one's parents......I spend a lot of time, everyday, thinking about this and writing about it and talking about it. I've been in therapy.....I'm married to a great guy. But the holidays have a way of making me feel like a little girl who's lost in the mall......

I promise I'm still here!

2008-12-06T22:23:00.002-05:00

I think about the blog all the time. I swear. I'm just not sure what or how I need to talk about things right now.

Holidays can be hard.

I feel like an exposed nerve.

I'm sure there will be some tears.

I'm still trying to stick to my ideas of making certain that I eat well and treat my body with respect. And it's working............ s l o w l y.

I weighed in today. I'm down 1 pound.

I've got some internal monologue going right now about fathers and daughters. About being 'alone'....about learning more and more about ME.

Peace out for now, friends. I'm off to soak in the tub.

BLOAT

2008-11-17T11:27:00.002-05:00

Bloated sucks.

And on it goes........

2008-11-16T08:56:00.002-05:00

Still feeling motivated- still doing well. Somehow I've resisted the homemade brownies my husband made yesteray- and, MAN, they are GOOD. They're sort of his specialty.

I've been tracking and journaling and keeping it all honest. It seems to be working- I think I'm down a couple pounds this week, but didn't go to the meeting because the WW ladies had training yesterday so there were no meetings. Bummer.

BUT, after following the plan and making better choices and being accountable by journaling, I'm hoping I'll have a really decent weight loss next week. I'm hoping for about 4 lbs down.

Enjoy the beautiful day.

Man, this is a roller-coaster!

2008-11-11T20:57:00.003-05:00

Ok, today things are good. I'm feeling focused and on top of this again. I'm not sure what tripped my trigger again. But when I was getting my dd ready for bed last night, I realized that my motivation has been to sort of keep up with my good friend (who's a skinny girl anyway) who has just shed her leftover baby weight and looks FABULOUS. Somehow it clicked for me that what I need to focus on is what I look like and how I feel. She looks great- but she's not me. When I look great- thin and incredibly healthy (and really HOT) I'm not going to look like her- ever. And, it's actually ok. This is major. So, the revelation that comes out of this is that I need to remember that I'm doing this FOR ME. So since I'm doing this for me, there's no one to cheat here except me....so if I have too many points, eat too much chocolate, or drink too much wine or whatever it is that I'm doing too much of....it's ONLY ME WHO'S GETTING SCREWED HERE. There's no reason to fight with myself over this. I'm just doing it for me and that's it. I'm trying to remember that I count- that I MATTER enough to do this. I'm tired of putting myself down all the time.

I actually tracked my points today and have 5 that I'll end up not using. Pretty good!

Hello....has anyone seen my motivation and focus?

2008-11-09T21:17:00.002-05:00

Wow.......things here are bleak in the weight loss area. Over the course of the last 2 weigh-ins at WW I'm up about 2.5lbs. I haven't tracked in about 2 weeks and I've been eating everything in sight and having wine...lots of wine. Oh yeah, and tootsie rolls too.....10 at a time (but, in my defense, they were the little ones!). It's bleak............

Somehow, I let myself get back into the mentality of deprivation- where one has to deprive oneself in order to lose weight. What I had been focused on, which was working so well for me, was that I was making choices for my health and well being- mental and physical. The shift is subtle, but so incredibly important. One is FOR me, the other is in spite of me. Guess which one I've been deeply engaged with lately?

I'm hoping that I can get out in front of this again...away from being 'deprived' and back toward feeling powerful because of these choices.

I'm hoping also that things will sort of even out in my life too. I've been feeling a little distant from my husband, he's 'gone to the mattresses' because he's worried about work and the economy and he doesn't do well with too much stress- he's already the most responsible human being in the world- sort of like Job.....(this is what his mother says). He carries a lot of shit around with him on a good day, and the days ain't been good lately. SO, I'm all wacked out about that because I'm not sure when he's going to snap out of it and I miss him and I need him to bounce stuff off of...to be my rock...to pat me on the head and tell me that it's all ok- you know, just regular old reassurance. We had an overdue "discussion" today, so I'm hoping the air is a little clearer here now.

Additionally, my poor old body wasn't acting right. My hormones have been wacky.....my period was about 6 days late.....and I'm usually regular down to the hour of the 28th day. I just felt crappy. Thankfully, that seems to have rectified itself and I'm hoping for better things next month. Nevertheless, it has an impact on losing weight and how motivated I feel about losing weight. I felt, this month, that my body wasn't getting what it needed- when I 'diet' I don't eat meat very much- some chicken here and there- but nothing with iron and I feel like my body just needed to eat in order to act properly. So, I ate......a lot......everything that wasn't nailed down. Here's an area that needs work........more journaling and thinking and changing behaviors.

More stuff to follow, but I'm still working on getting it all working in my favor and I'm still pluggin away on WW.

I want to be at least to 175lbs by the end of school- June '09. Right now I'm at 195......

Peace out, y'all-

Oy...

2008-10-16T17:26:00.002-04:00

It's official................I'm totally stalled out right now. I have been playing around with 4 pounds for about 6 weeks now......AND I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thinking about actually joining real life Weight Watchers and going to meetings so I can get some of my momentum back. I'm just not sure that I want to be that liable. (maybe this is why I'm not losing weight, huh??)

I want to change my life and get my weight really under control, but I'm just not sure how much of this comfortable life that I'm willing to give up.......I've been fat a long time.....it's very comfortable here- even though it's not. Yup, makes no sense. Plus, many of the underpinings of my relationship with my husband are sort of food based. We LOVE to eat, we love to cook, we love to try new recipes and new foods, we love wine......we do a lot of cooking together in the kitchen....I married him because he was an awesome cook (among other things!). And, he's a guy who's not really into the idea of moderation or delayed gratification.....it's a little scary to change the dynamic of what we've got going on. How do you shake foundations and have everything remain standing? How do you change who you are and who he's always know and fell in love with? All of a sudden, I'm 'healthy' and care about what goes into my body? All of a sudden, I'm brave enough to stand up for my health? All of a sudden I know about my health?? And care about it??

I know that all of these things can be resolved with time and good communication- and we've already overcome a lot of it- after all, I've already lost 33 pounds....that didn't come without some changes and compromise fo us.

Scary and frustrating.

I think I need to work on getting some exercise into my life. I think I'd be sleeping better and happier and not as inclined to overthink everything.

Oy.

So I didn't die from not eating the other night.

2008-10-09T13:56:00.002-04:00

I thought I might because I was so hungry, but I didn't die. I went to bed as soon as I could and got some much needed sleep. I also drank more water and I think that being better hydrated helped.

My dilemma for today is that I'm off from school and took my daughter out for breakfast. I 'won' because I didn't go for the dripping in cheese and fat delicious 3 egg omlette and sausage that I might have had before. I didn't order eggs benedict- one of my VERY favorite things. I had the 'healthy' wrap- and it WAS good! I'd go so far as to say delicious!

So, although I didn't count this in terms of WW points, I'd still say it was a successful morning

Now I'm having some high fiber crackers with a little peanut butter- I feel like my body's craving protein, so that's what's on the agenda for now.

I'm making a chicken something for dinner tonight- low points, so I think the day will still be a success!

Feeling good today!

Here's the food deal so far today...

2008-10-07T16:35:00.002-04:00

I WANT TO EAT A LOT!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel a desperation for lots of chocolatey goodness in my mouth!!!!!!! ACK!

I was hungry when I got home (I had my 'afternoon coffee' very early today- that was stupid)) and I had a little snack sack of popcorn and a 100 calorie pack of cookies....AND I WANT MORE.

Dinner won't be until after the kid's class this afternoon- and I wish it was now. Maybe next week, I'll make dinner so that I can eat before dance class. I seem to do so much better when I eat dinner right after school. My 'lunch' is at 10:30 am (go institutional living by bell!) and I'm STARVING by 5:00.

So, I'm blogging instead of eating and I just poured myself some iced tea.

I'm hoping to come in right at my exact points for the day. Oy!

Some days just feel like hell...

2008-10-07T14:10:00.002-04:00

I'm tired and cranky today and I feel sad. Maybe it's the change of season, who knows? I had a great lesson with my 12th graders today and it was awesome!! I think that maybe I'm a little sad because I just miss teaching. I have a student teacher this semester and she's intelligent and well prepared, it's just hard not have all my kids everyday. Turns out that I don't like to share. Who knew?

Maybe it's the fall season.

Maybe it's because I feel extra tired with these glasses on.

Maybe I'm just tired.....

In any event, I'm cranky and wish that I was alone in my classroom with my kids- it's hard to get it all worked out with someone over your shoulder all the time.

I'm ready for bed with 2 points left!

2008-10-06T20:40:00.002-04:00

I was going to make butternut squash soup for dinner- but the squash was bad- and luckily, dh called to say he was going to be home late. So, I changed all my dinner plans and had a veggie burger and soup instead.

I think I'd have veggie burgers and easy stuff like that for dinner every night if I didn't have to cook for hubs and kid. We're trying to get the kid to see that families eat together and catch up as a family over dinner. We're trying to get her to try new foods. We're trying to get her to see that nutritious food is tasty too. It's a lot of work.

So, the bottom line is, my plans were thrown off- but I made good choices anyway and even ended up with extra points left for the day. I ate well and I feel like I'm satisfied and full.

I've got tomorrow all mapped out too. The kid's got a class late tomorrow afternoon- so it makes our dinner time later than I like- but I've got a crock pot meal for tomorrow and I've accounted for all its points- so I think I'll be ok- even though I'll be short on time.

Peace out-

So far so good today!

2008-10-06T14:07:00.002-04:00

Other than the fact that getting up so early for work makes me feel EXHAUSTED every day, I'm doing ok with my food choices today. So far, I've stuck to my plan, and I've 10.5 WW points- exactly where I want to be.

One of my problem areas, throughout my lifetime of struggling with my body, is when I first get home from school.....I seem to eat EVERYTHING that I can shove into my mouth. I've discovered that coffee fills me up in the afternoon and it perks me up a little bit so I can get through the evening hours.

What I'd really like is a nap. I find that when I'm really tired - like this- that I tend to overeat because I sort of confuse eating with staying awake...I keep eating things to stay awake....maybe a Coke will do it- maybe some sugar will do it- maybe some protein....and on and on and on.

Unfortunately, napping is out- my 4 year old just can't watch herself while I'm in a coma on the couch- lol. Coffee will have to suffice. I've also got a mini bag of fat free popcorn lined up for my afternoon treat.

Peace y'all-

And here I am now.....

2008-10-05T21:03:00.003-04:00

This is how I look now- 33 lbs thinner than I was in the last picture. It's been about 4 months since I started really thinking about getting healthier and releasing some of this extra weight.

THIS is who I feel like I am....I'm getting closer and closer to being able to be who I am without hiding behind layers of extra protection.

So, my plan is to get back to following the WW plan faithfully. Since we've been back in school, I've been so busy and just out of sorts that I haven't been 'on the wagon' so to speak.

I grocery shopped today- I got oatmeal for breakfasts, salad for lunches, and tomorrow night I'm planning on making roasted butternut squash soup. I've got everything mapped out for tomorrow- including a nice scotch. I've laid in supplies of carrots and lollipops. The points value for the soup is so low, I really can't see how I could go off the rails.

I'll check back tomorrow and let y'all know how it went.

Peace out-

The time has come.........

2008-10-05T20:58:00.001-04:00

The time has come for me to find out who I am without the protective layer I've come to rely on.

I hope to chronicle, sort of like Bridget Jones (lol), what most of my days are like in my struggle to help my skinny girl come to the surface.

Here I am 33 lbs ago- early 2008

I'm so glad she's already gone....I don't even feel like I know this person anymore. ICK